Little White Table

Craig and I recently purchased new phones and I had to transfer all my information over to the new one. As I was going through my photos, deciding which pictures to transfer, I found this one of our old kitchen table:



We received this table as a wedding present and it was the only brand new item in our first apartment. Everything else was mismatched treasures found in garage sales, saved from our college days or given to us by our parents. But this small white table was the one thing that was new. And I loved it! Even though four people couldn’t fit around it without bumping elbows, I still loved it. I served my husband the first meal I had ever cooked on that table. I also served him the first meal I ever burned on that table, too.

When I look at this picture, I’m reminded of our first year of marriage and how the Lord graciously provided for us during that time. Times when we didn’t know how the bills were going to be paid, times when the amount we owed was the exact amount we had, when our car broke down and someone just gave us one. Blessed memories of how God gave us more than we deserved over and over. This picture reminds me of how much we depended on the Lord then and how much we need to depend on Him now. Even in our current struggle, God has made His presence known. He has provided friends and family to love us and pray for us. He is with us, daily providing us with strength, hope and love.

By the way, my little white table has a new home with our brother and sister-in-law. I hope they will also make many memories around that table.

Because so many have asked…

“When are you guys going to have a kid?”

We get asked some form of this question at least once every two weeks. Either from family or friends anxiously hoping that the time is soon or from complete strangers who are just curious. I guess by four years of marriage, most young couples have had at least one child.

The truth isn’t that we don’t want a child. In fact, we desperately long for one. Unfortunately, wanting something doesn’t mean it’s going to be given to you. This month, this week marks a year of trying. One year filled with hope, sorrow and many, many tears.

I would love to say that I have handled this struggle with patience and unwavering faith but I haven’t. There have been many times when it’s been easier to respond with anger and sadness. This struggle has cut me to the core and brought forth the sins that lay deepest inside my heart –selfishness, pride and my need for control.

Selfishness, because I continually want more. God has given me all that I have asked for and so many blessings that I never even imagined. Yet with all these blessings, I want more. I look at what God has given me and I tell Him, it’s not enough.

Pride, in how I feel that somehow I deserve a child. That I have lived a good life, been a good person, made good decisions and now this gift needs to be granted to me. In my head, I list out all the things I have done that make me worthy to have a baby but my heart knows that no deed, no thought, no amount of human goodness will equal a child.

My need for control…oh this could be a book of it’s own. I plan my life like a time-line and up until now, everything has gone according to my perfectly mapped-out plan. Now, life is not working out exactly the way I planned it. I can’t see the path God has for me and not having control scares me.

The growing awareness of my sin has made me more in awe of God’s grace and goodness. My faith in the Lord has kept me from falling into depression or wallowing in anger. He has provided sweet reminders of His love and goodness throughout this entire year. Whether it’s through the love and support of friends and family or knowledge from doctors and nurses, His peace has covered us. Even the summer rain this morning as I drove to a doctor’s appointment was a reminder of His presence. So we continue to pray, knowing there may be more tears along the way, but we have hope in a God who is faithful and steadfast in love.