“When are you guys going to have a kid?”
We get asked some form of this question at least once every two weeks. Either from family or friends anxiously hoping that the time is soon or from complete strangers who are just curious. I guess by four years of marriage, most young couples have had at least one child.
The truth isn’t that we don’t want a child. In fact, we desperately long for one. Unfortunately, wanting something doesn’t mean it’s going to be given to you. This month, this week marks a year of trying. One year filled with hope, sorrow and many, many tears.
I would love to say that I have handled this struggle with patience and unwavering faith but I haven’t. There have been many times when it’s been easier to respond with anger and sadness. This struggle has cut me to the core and brought forth the sins that lay deepest inside my heart –selfishness, pride and my need for control.
Selfishness, because I continually want more. God has given me all that I have asked for and so many blessings that I never even imagined. Yet with all these blessings, I want more. I look at what God has given me and I tell Him, it’s not enough.
Pride, in how I feel that somehow I deserve a child. That I have lived a good life, been a good person, made good decisions and now this gift needs to be granted to me. In my head, I list out all the things I have done that make me worthy to have a baby but my heart knows that no deed, no thought, no amount of human goodness will equal a child.
My need for control…oh this could be a book of it’s own. I plan my life like a time-line and up until now, everything has gone according to my perfectly mapped-out plan. Now, life is not working out exactly the way I planned it. I can’t see the path God has for me and not having control scares me.
The growing awareness of my sin has made me more in awe of God’s grace and goodness. My faith in the Lord has kept me from falling into depression or wallowing in anger. He has provided sweet reminders of His love and goodness throughout this entire year. Whether it’s through the love and support of friends and family or knowledge from doctors and nurses, His peace has covered us. Even the summer rain this morning as I drove to a doctor’s appointment was a reminder of His presence. So we continue to pray, knowing there may be more tears along the way, but we have hope in a God who is faithful and steadfast in love.
