Jaxon's Nursery

When Craig and I moved into our house, we knew immediately which room we wanted for a nursery. It wasn't long after we moved that we started trying for a child. This room sat empty for a long time. After a few years we decorated it as a guest room just because it hurt so much seeing an empty room everyday. I'd often go into the room and pray, asking God to fill this room with a child.

And fill it, he did! It's amazing how a little one so quickly fills your house and your heart. It's no surprise that J's nursery is my current favorite room in the house. I love the soft neutrals with pops of color and texture and a rustic feel. Creating J's nursery was so much fun and it's filled with gifts from family which makes it even more special. There are also a lot of DIY projects in the room. My parents, sis and bro-in-law were kind enough to spend an entire Saturday painting, sewing and staining and I love the hand-made touches in the room.

Please excuse my amateur photography skills. I took the photos with my iPhone so the quality isn't the best.  I also have to add a disclaimer that the room does not always look this neat -- I spruced it up before pictures.

Welcome to Jaxon's room

My favorite thing in the room is the wood wall Craig made out of wood from his great-grandparents old house.

I had originally wanted to pay someone for their chalkboard writing skills or try a chalk transfer method with a pretty font but just didn't have the time. Now that little J is reaching up and touching everything with his wet slobbery hands, I'm pretty glad I just hand-wrote the verse. There have been lots of touch-ups.

The crates are filled with special things. A bear that Craig ordered while we were waiting and before we even knew about J. A framed deer onesie that J wore to his sip-n-see. A bear from the Lubbock court house from J's adoption day. It's the bear he "adopted" that day. The Willow Tree figurine is a gift from the hospital in Lubbock where Jax was born. Craig surprised me with it after we got home.

This dresser was Craig's growing up and we sanded and re-painted it years ago. Little secret --  I actually went with turquoise pops of color because I didn't want to buy new knobs for the dresser. If you look closely, you can see a bat signal nightlight in the corner :)

The turquoise frame has prayer cards written by family and friends at our sip-n-see. It also has a cards from J's adoption day. The frame on the left normally has picture of us with J's birth mom but out of respect for her privacy, I slipped in a birth announcement photo.

Just like the wood wall, J's barrel for laundry is also from the Northcutt farm. The sign above the closet doors says "For this child we prayed" and was purchased by my mother-in-law while we were going through fertility treatments. The back has signatures from family and friends that lifted us in prayer over the years of waiting.

This shadow box was mine as a child and is filled with some of the same trinkets. There are some fun new additions, too.

And the sweet boy who has filled this room and our lives with so much joy!

I love when people post where they found their nursery items, so in case you were wondering:

- Paint color: Dormer Brown by Sherwin Williams (It didn't come out well in pics but it's a gray-brown color) My parents had the room painted for us because I'm awful at painting.
- Crib and changer: Jenny Linde purchased from Amazon. A gift from Craig's dad and step-mom
-Rocker: from Gigglebrush designs in McKinney, TX. A gift from Craig's mom and step-dad
-Ottoman: purchased from a consignment shop in Lewisville. Repainted with Annie Sloan pure white chalk paint + dark wax and recovered with new fabric.
- Ottoman fabric and crib bumpers: Balboa ikat print from Ballard Designs
- Turquoise nightstand, deer pillows, wire baskets: purchased in Canton (many from my sweet sis-in-law)
- Lamp + shade and crib sheet: Target
- Diaper pail: Diaper Genie Elite by Playtex. Not fashionable at all but necessary! And does it's job very well.
-Batman nightlight, metal "J" on door and rug: Pottery Barn Kids
-Card board deer head: Red (fun shop in Fredericksburg, Tx)
-Love You More pillow, metal "J" and "N" on the wall are from little shops in downtown Mckinney. I don't remember the names but just go there. It's such as fun place to find treasures.
-Curtain rod: plumber piping from Home Depot
-Dresser: painted with Annie Sloan pure white chalk paint
-Dresser knobs: Anthropologie
-Cute little boy: a beautiful gift from God

My hopes and prayers for my son

This post is long overdue – about five months overdue. I have wanted to write this update for some time but it’s been difficult. First of all there hasn’t been much time in front of the computer. Most of my time is spent in front of the cutest baby boy -- my baby boy, my son. Even seeing those words on the screen brings tears to my eyes. We have a son!

It’s also been difficult to know what to share. My heart is completely overwhelmed when I look back on what the Lord has done over the last few months. There is so much I want to tell, so many details to share, but ultimately this is Jaxon’s story to tell when he’s ready, and I want to honor that.

This week I get to celebrate my first Mother’s Day – a day I have waited years to celebrate. As I thank God for His perfect timing and gift of my son, my mind is brought to Jaxon’s other mother – his birthmother. This woman loves my son every bit as much as I do. She loved him by choosing to give him life when this broken world offered her another alternative. She loved him when she chose to give him more in this life, more than she could offer. She loved him when she chose us to raise him and placed him in my arms. This woman loved Jaxon enough to build a relationship with us and allowed us to be a part of his life even before he was born. She cared for us enough to let us be with him in the hospital and build precious memories from the very beginning of his life.

My prayer is that Jaxon will grow to know and love his birthmother. That he will see the beauty in his birth and adoption story. I know the Lord planned for her to carry him just as He planned for us to raise him. He beautifully knit Jaxon in her womb and with same love, He knit our families together when she chose us to be his mom and dad. My hope is that Jaxon will know how deeply his birthmother loves him, how she sacrificed her body so he could be here and how she gave this mom the most beautiful gift.

Jaxon’s story so beautifully mirrors another relationship between another parent – a Heavenly Father. One who loves His children perfectly and so deeply that He sacrificed His son so that we could have life with Him. I pray that my son knows how deeply loved he is by his earthly parents but ultimately by his Heavenly Father and that the Lord would open his eyes and heart to a love so pure and perfect.

Jaxon Craig – you are such a blessing. Being your mama is a joy!

Six Weeks

Six weeks ago, Craig and I made a visit to the hospital to meet a beautiful baby girl. We held this precious baby, fed her, watched her sigh in her sleep. I think of this little one often because six weeks ago, I thought we were going to bring her home. I thought I was going to be her mom.

Earlier that week, we received a much anticipated phone call from our adoption agency saying an expecting couple wanted to meet with us. We sat through a meeting full of nerves and excitement talking with this couple, each of us weighing the possibility of this adoption. The next day brought joyous news: they wanted to move forward with adoption and the baby was on the way. We started preparing the nursery and discussing baby names. We stood in the middle of Babies “R” Us with our parents, completely overwhelmed but crying tears of happiness.  I registered for as many pink things as Craig would allow – all knowing that at any chance this couple could change their minds. Then we spent that memorable day at the hospital holding a baby we thought could be our daughter. We left the hospital with a sense of uneasiness and that night our fear was confirmed -- the adoption wasn’t going to take place.

It was week filled with such joy yet ended in heartbreaking sadness. Though we know this was not the child planned for our family and this baby is exactly where God intended her, it didn’t make the loss any easier. During this time, we were loved well by our family, friends and agency workers but the most comforting presence was God’s steadfast love. Through every step, He made His presence known. He provided strength when we needed it, comfort when we hurt and when our arms were left empty He provided hope. My heart is closer to Him because of this situation and for that I am grateful.

Six weeks ago, I didn’t think I was strong enough to walk through this but because of Him, I am. His steadfast love continues to be a comforting balm to our hurting hearts. While there is still pain and tears, one constant remains: God is good and His loves endures through all things.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end,

They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, says my soul,

Therefore I will hope in Him. Lamentations 3:22-26

Confession

Most of this blog has been about what God has done through our longing for a child. But I don’t ever want to present an image that now I’m dealing with this perfectly – that I’ve figured out how to deal with sadness and hurt and no longer struggle with the same sins. To be honest, I constantly battle with the sins of anger and fear and many times, I fail.

The holiday season continues to be a difficult time for me. While my longing for a child is always there, the holiday season seems to magnify that longing and the absence of a child from our home. I find myself anxious about the upcoming holiday season; fearful to face another season not being parents and an irritable attitude starts to grow in me. A big part of me wants the season to rush by and for January to be here. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel up to all of the holiday hoop-la and times when I feel like I can’t handle another holiday season.

One of my biggest difficulties has been how I deal with sadness and hurt in the right way. It’s so easy for that sadness to turn into bitterness, irritation and worry. For a while I thought I couldn’t be sad. If I felt sad, that meant I thought a child was more important than God. So I tried to buck up, put on a smile and pretend that I was okay with it all. That only resulted in a more bitter and irritable person behind that smile. I’ve learned it’s okay to be sad and feel pain. It’s okay to cry and hurt because sometimes that’s when we feel God’s presence the most. My most vulnerable moments are the times I realize just how much I’m in need of a Savior. During this time, I have to check my heart and remember that the holidays are not about food, presents or even family. Those are wonderful blessings God gives us to enjoy but they’re not the meaning of the holiday season. God gives us celebrations to mirror the celebration that will take place once we are reunited with our Heavenly Father. I need to hold tight to the truth that while I don’t have child, I do have a Savior – one who is faithful and loving. When I revel in who God is and all that He has done, I am filled with hope and joy. I have a Savior, deserving of praise and worship through this season and every day.

“In this life I will stand
Though my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There’s a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I’m believing for the day”
You hold me now ~ Hillsong

Sweet Sis

Meet my little sister, Elizabeth. There is something unique and special about being sisters. We’ve shared bedrooms, clothes, secrets and the same faith in Christ. My sister is an encourager, a person who sees the very best in you. Because of her graciousness, there are things only she can tell me. Growing up, Liz could share the same advice as my parents but for some reason, the words sounded different coming from her (Sorry mom and dad). There isn’t anything about my life my sister doesn’t know and in my longing for a child, she has seen my best and my very worst.

During a time that bitterness and anger had settled in my heart, I couldn’t talk about our struggle without those feelings creeping up. Liz began to ask me a question:
“Why do you think God has you going through this?”

It was a question I didn’t want to think about and certainly didn’t want to answer. Answering that question, meant having to deal with my sin – to look at my life and see what God was trying to show me about myself and about Him. It meant dealing with the sins of entitlement – feeling that I deserved to be a mom, jealousy – for others who were able to get pregnant and control – wanting my plan, my way. So I avoided the question, angrily telling Liz that I just didn’t know. For awhile, it was easier to sit in anger. Easier to pout and think, “It’s not fair” that we have go through this. Conversation after conversation, Liz would listen to me, she would encourage and love me, but then she would continue to ask that question and continue to point me to Christ.

The Lord used Liz to help me deal with the ugliness of sin and see the goodness that only comes from God. He used her words, her encouragement and kind heart to push me to Him. He used her as a tool to help me realize that being a mom and having a child won’t satisfy me. In the end, only Christ is all and He is enough.

My sweet sis turned 25 yesterday. During our phone conversation, she said, “I feel like I should be more grown-up, more adult now.” Oh sister, you are wise beyond your years. I’m thankful everyday for your love, friendship and faithfulness.

I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:5-6

Choosing Hope

Over the last few days, Craig and I had the joy of spending time with our brother and sister-in-law and their 3 precious boys. It was a packed weekend full of swimming, pictures, laughter and great memories. During this time, I had the chance to spend some one-on-one time with my oldest nephew, Dawson. I was prepared for a conversation about school, toys and cartoons but I had not expected Dawson to ask me about adoption. We talked about what adoption meant and he asked me mature questions, like “Did I want a boy or girl?” and “Was I ready to be a parent?” Then my almost-nine-year-old nephew gave me some parenting advice, wisely telling me that I needed to be ready for little sleep and that Craig would need to be prepared to help out. He even suggested we take turns at night and give each other time to sleep. Dawson said when the time came; he would show us how to change a diaper.

During this struggle with infertility, I have straddled the line between hope and disappointment. I’m hopeful for the chance to be a mom and to raise kids one day but one foot is firmly planted in fear prepared to handle the sting of disappointment and hurt if that doesn’t happen. But moments and conversations like the one with Dawson help me loosen that hold I have on fear. So as we move forward with adoption I’m working on planting both feet in hope. Hoping that one day I will have sleepless nights and need diaper-changing lessons. My prayer today is that I will have sweet moments like this with my children and that those children will get to know their smart, funny and precious cousin.

There is Greater Joy to Come

Today is an exciting day for us. This afternoon we will attend an adoption seminar – our first step in the process of adoption. We are excited at what God will do in the process and overjoyed at what He has already done.

Adoption is always something we have considered, even before we were married. We both had a heart for orphans and had talked about the possibility of bringing a child into our home. When we faced the struggle of infertility and unsuccessful medical procedures, we felt God leading us to pursue adoption now. The world of adoption of has been loving and open. Families have shared their stories and their hearts to proclaim how God brought them together. Friends and co-workers have come forward to offer advice, support and prayers. It was a sweet way of God showing us that we weren’t alone during this time.

Adoption has also been challenging. It took some time and some wrong turns to find an agency that had the program we were looking for. Then came paperwork and waiting to hear if we were selected by the agency. After three weeks of waiting, we found out they couldn’t accept us at this time. The agency had too many applications and too many families on the list. It was an emotionally crushing time. We spent lots of time in prayer, crying out to God and asking why He would lead us down the road of adoption only to have the door close on us. We didn’t know the next step to take so we just prayed.

Then two days later, we received an e-mail, asking us to call the agency. Even though they were full, they went back through the list of applicants and selected one couple – us. The lady we spoke with said that in all the years she has worked there, the agency has never done this before. We were (and still are) overwhelmed that this happened to us. There are new tears now –tears of joy and thanksgiving.

So we move forward, knowing there will be more and maybe even bigger challenges to come. But we rest in the peace that God’s got this. He’s in control and He has plan that will surpass all our expectations. We wait, knowing that one day there is more joy to come.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4