Confession

Most of this blog has been about what God has done through our longing for a child. But I don’t ever want to present an image that now I’m dealing with this perfectly – that I’ve figured out how to deal with sadness and hurt and no longer struggle with the same sins. To be honest, I constantly battle with the sins of anger and fear and many times, I fail.

The holiday season continues to be a difficult time for me. While my longing for a child is always there, the holiday season seems to magnify that longing and the absence of a child from our home. I find myself anxious about the upcoming holiday season; fearful to face another season not being parents and an irritable attitude starts to grow in me. A big part of me wants the season to rush by and for January to be here. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel up to all of the holiday hoop-la and times when I feel like I can’t handle another holiday season.

One of my biggest difficulties has been how I deal with sadness and hurt in the right way. It’s so easy for that sadness to turn into bitterness, irritation and worry. For a while I thought I couldn’t be sad. If I felt sad, that meant I thought a child was more important than God. So I tried to buck up, put on a smile and pretend that I was okay with it all. That only resulted in a more bitter and irritable person behind that smile. I’ve learned it’s okay to be sad and feel pain. It’s okay to cry and hurt because sometimes that’s when we feel God’s presence the most. My most vulnerable moments are the times I realize just how much I’m in need of a Savior. During this time, I have to check my heart and remember that the holidays are not about food, presents or even family. Those are wonderful blessings God gives us to enjoy but they’re not the meaning of the holiday season. God gives us celebrations to mirror the celebration that will take place once we are reunited with our Heavenly Father. I need to hold tight to the truth that while I don’t have child, I do have a Savior – one who is faithful and loving. When I revel in who God is and all that He has done, I am filled with hope and joy. I have a Savior, deserving of praise and worship through this season and every day.

“In this life I will stand
Though my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There’s a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I’m believing for the day”
You hold me now ~ Hillsong

Sweet Sis

Meet my little sister, Elizabeth. There is something unique and special about being sisters. We’ve shared bedrooms, clothes, secrets and the same faith in Christ. My sister is an encourager, a person who sees the very best in you. Because of her graciousness, there are things only she can tell me. Growing up, Liz could share the same advice as my parents but for some reason, the words sounded different coming from her (Sorry mom and dad). There isn’t anything about my life my sister doesn’t know and in my longing for a child, she has seen my best and my very worst.

During a time that bitterness and anger had settled in my heart, I couldn’t talk about our struggle without those feelings creeping up. Liz began to ask me a question:
“Why do you think God has you going through this?”

It was a question I didn’t want to think about and certainly didn’t want to answer. Answering that question, meant having to deal with my sin – to look at my life and see what God was trying to show me about myself and about Him. It meant dealing with the sins of entitlement – feeling that I deserved to be a mom, jealousy – for others who were able to get pregnant and control – wanting my plan, my way. So I avoided the question, angrily telling Liz that I just didn’t know. For awhile, it was easier to sit in anger. Easier to pout and think, “It’s not fair” that we have go through this. Conversation after conversation, Liz would listen to me, she would encourage and love me, but then she would continue to ask that question and continue to point me to Christ.

The Lord used Liz to help me deal with the ugliness of sin and see the goodness that only comes from God. He used her words, her encouragement and kind heart to push me to Him. He used her as a tool to help me realize that being a mom and having a child won’t satisfy me. In the end, only Christ is all and He is enough.

My sweet sis turned 25 yesterday. During our phone conversation, she said, “I feel like I should be more grown-up, more adult now.” Oh sister, you are wise beyond your years. I’m thankful everyday for your love, friendship and faithfulness.

I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
because he has dealt bountifully with me. Psalm 13:5-6

Choosing Hope

Over the last few days, Craig and I had the joy of spending time with our brother and sister-in-law and their 3 precious boys. It was a packed weekend full of swimming, pictures, laughter and great memories. During this time, I had the chance to spend some one-on-one time with my oldest nephew, Dawson. I was prepared for a conversation about school, toys and cartoons but I had not expected Dawson to ask me about adoption. We talked about what adoption meant and he asked me mature questions, like “Did I want a boy or girl?” and “Was I ready to be a parent?” Then my almost-nine-year-old nephew gave me some parenting advice, wisely telling me that I needed to be ready for little sleep and that Craig would need to be prepared to help out. He even suggested we take turns at night and give each other time to sleep. Dawson said when the time came; he would show us how to change a diaper.

During this struggle with infertility, I have straddled the line between hope and disappointment. I’m hopeful for the chance to be a mom and to raise kids one day but one foot is firmly planted in fear prepared to handle the sting of disappointment and hurt if that doesn’t happen. But moments and conversations like the one with Dawson help me loosen that hold I have on fear. So as we move forward with adoption I’m working on planting both feet in hope. Hoping that one day I will have sleepless nights and need diaper-changing lessons. My prayer today is that I will have sweet moments like this with my children and that those children will get to know their smart, funny and precious cousin.

There is Greater Joy to Come

Today is an exciting day for us. This afternoon we will attend an adoption seminar – our first step in the process of adoption. We are excited at what God will do in the process and overjoyed at what He has already done.

Adoption is always something we have considered, even before we were married. We both had a heart for orphans and had talked about the possibility of bringing a child into our home. When we faced the struggle of infertility and unsuccessful medical procedures, we felt God leading us to pursue adoption now. The world of adoption of has been loving and open. Families have shared their stories and their hearts to proclaim how God brought them together. Friends and co-workers have come forward to offer advice, support and prayers. It was a sweet way of God showing us that we weren’t alone during this time.

Adoption has also been challenging. It took some time and some wrong turns to find an agency that had the program we were looking for. Then came paperwork and waiting to hear if we were selected by the agency. After three weeks of waiting, we found out they couldn’t accept us at this time. The agency had too many applications and too many families on the list. It was an emotionally crushing time. We spent lots of time in prayer, crying out to God and asking why He would lead us down the road of adoption only to have the door close on us. We didn’t know the next step to take so we just prayed.

Then two days later, we received an e-mail, asking us to call the agency. Even though they were full, they went back through the list of applicants and selected one couple – us. The lady we spoke with said that in all the years she has worked there, the agency has never done this before. We were (and still are) overwhelmed that this happened to us. There are new tears now –tears of joy and thanksgiving.

So we move forward, knowing there will be more and maybe even bigger challenges to come. But we rest in the peace that God’s got this. He’s in control and He has plan that will surpass all our expectations. We wait, knowing that one day there is more joy to come.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

Musical Prayers

Growing up, my home was always filled with music. My mom is a beautiful singer and can often be heard singing or humming favorite songs. My dad, although he lacks some vocal talent and rhythm, makes up for it with soul and the desire to move and groove to a beat.

At a young age, I was introduced to Bob Seger, The Eagles and Chicago. Road trips were filled with good music and loud, usually off-key, voices. To this day, I think better with music in the background rather than silence. Whenever I hear a song, I’m quick to sing along or bust out the little moves I have. Some songs get my toes tapping and head bobbing; others stir my heart.

During our 18-month struggle with infertility, I’ve had a difficult time praying and speaking to God. I often didn’t have words to say and would just sit in silence. My heart was heavy with emotions, and I couldn’t find the words. So when I didn’t have the words, I borrowed the words of many others through music.

Worship through music has brought me comfort and nearness with the Lord. Sometimes I let the lyrics wash over me. Other times, I sing to God with all the strength in me. During this time, worship through music is when my heart feels closest to the Lord.

Many songs have touched my heart over the last year, but my favorites are from Jourdan Burks’ album, Mend. She is a talented singer at our church, and I’ve been blessed to hear her many times. I bought her CD during the month I was undergoing fertility shots. To this day, that month was the hardest, most heartbreaking time in my life, especially because the treatment was unsuccessful.

Jourdan’s CD was the only music that played in my car during that time. All my feelings were expressed through her lyrics. Each song is wonderful, but the one that resonated the most with me is Right Here.

I know that you are with me
But I feel so alone
I know you have my future
But it seems unknown

When my heart is hurting
And the pieces fall apart again
When I can’t make sense of it all
You’re still holding me

Lord you are right here with me
Your heart breaks with each tear
You know what’s on the other side
You calm while I’m here
And you are right here with me
You whisper in my ear
I can’t see past this moment
Bring peace while I am here

Lord you know
And you are good
All your promises are true
You are faithful
You are love
And I am yours

Lord you are right here with me
Your heart breaks with each tear
You know what’s on the other side
You calm while I’m here
And you are right here with me
You whisper in my ear
I can’t see past this moment
Bring peace while I am here


My hope in writing this is to encourage you to use and express the talents God gave you. If you feel moved to write, sing, draw, dance, do it for His glory, and He can do amazing things through it. Jourdan doesn’t know me or about my struggle, but God used her words and talent to bring comfort to my heart and allow me to draw closer to Him.

I am incredibly thankful for her lyrics and even more thankful that God is indeed good and that He loves me more than I know. It’s true. He’s right here.

Habakkuk 3:17-18

A few months before our wedding, Craig called to tell me he had found the verse for our wedding ceremony. I waited excitedly to hear a verse about love, marriage, husbands and wives. Then he read the following to me:

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. Habakkuk 3:17-18

“Well, what do you think?” he said.

I paused and waited for him to say it’s a joke. Does he really think I want the words “stalls” and “herd” in my wedding ceremony? Where’s the love, the beautiful marriage advice? Then my wise-beyond-his-years man tells me that although these aren’t traditional wedding verses, this is the theme he wants for our marriage: Through all things, good and bad, we have faith in a God who is perfect, all knowing and powerful. He is what gives us strength and brings peace even in the darkest times.

So on our wedding day, I stood next to the love of my life, my best friend and sang “You give and take away. My heart will choose to say. Lord, blessed be Your Name.” Then heard our marriage verses read over us. That day, hearing those words was easy. That day, God filled the desire of my heart to be Mrs. Craig Northcutt. That day, was full of joy, happiness and love. It was easy to say that I had hope and trust in the Lord that day.

Over the last 7 months, we have tried multiple medical treatments to conceive a baby, all of which have been unsuccessful. Each time, one of our attempts failed, these are the verses that are pushed to the front of my mind. These words are harder to say now when there is hurt and disappointment. These words are sometimes said through tears and in a quivering voice. But the truth of these words is still real and these verses carry more meaning for me now than they ever did on my wedding day. My joy is not defined by what I have or don't have. My joy is knowing that the God who created the earth and everything in it, calls me His child and has rescued me from my sin. One day, He will end all hurt and tears and take me home.

This weekend, our church will start studying the book of Habakkuk. I am excited to hear what the Lord has for us through this book and how His Word will continue to challenge and grow my faith.