Most of this blog has been about what God has done through our longing for a child. But I don’t ever want to present an image that now I’m dealing with this perfectly – that I’ve figured out how to deal with sadness and hurt and no longer struggle with the same sins. To be honest, I constantly battle with the sins of anger and fear and many times, I fail.
The holiday season continues to be a difficult time for me. While my longing for a child is always there, the holiday season seems to magnify that longing and the absence of a child from our home. I find myself anxious about the upcoming holiday season; fearful to face another season not being parents and an irritable attitude starts to grow in me. A big part of me wants the season to rush by and for January to be here. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel up to all of the holiday hoop-la and times when I feel like I can’t handle another holiday season.
One of my biggest difficulties has been how I deal with sadness and hurt in the right way. It’s so easy for that sadness to turn into bitterness, irritation and worry. For a while I thought I couldn’t be sad. If I felt sad, that meant I thought a child was more important than God. So I tried to buck up, put on a smile and pretend that I was okay with it all. That only resulted in a more bitter and irritable person behind that smile. I’ve learned it’s okay to be sad and feel pain. It’s okay to cry and hurt because sometimes that’s when we feel God’s presence the most. My most vulnerable moments are the times I realize just how much I’m in need of a Savior. During this time, I have to check my heart and remember that the holidays are not about food, presents or even family. Those are wonderful blessings God gives us to enjoy but they’re not the meaning of the holiday season. God gives us celebrations to mirror the celebration that will take place once we are reunited with our Heavenly Father. I need to hold tight to the truth that while I don’t have child, I do have a Savior – one who is faithful and loving. When I revel in who God is and all that He has done, I am filled with hope and joy. I have a Savior, deserving of praise and worship through this season and every day.
“In this life I will stand
Though my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There’s a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I’m believing for the day”
You hold me now ~ Hillsong
The holiday season continues to be a difficult time for me. While my longing for a child is always there, the holiday season seems to magnify that longing and the absence of a child from our home. I find myself anxious about the upcoming holiday season; fearful to face another season not being parents and an irritable attitude starts to grow in me. A big part of me wants the season to rush by and for January to be here. There’s a part of me that doesn’t feel up to all of the holiday hoop-la and times when I feel like I can’t handle another holiday season.
One of my biggest difficulties has been how I deal with sadness and hurt in the right way. It’s so easy for that sadness to turn into bitterness, irritation and worry. For a while I thought I couldn’t be sad. If I felt sad, that meant I thought a child was more important than God. So I tried to buck up, put on a smile and pretend that I was okay with it all. That only resulted in a more bitter and irritable person behind that smile. I’ve learned it’s okay to be sad and feel pain. It’s okay to cry and hurt because sometimes that’s when we feel God’s presence the most. My most vulnerable moments are the times I realize just how much I’m in need of a Savior. During this time, I have to check my heart and remember that the holidays are not about food, presents or even family. Those are wonderful blessings God gives us to enjoy but they’re not the meaning of the holiday season. God gives us celebrations to mirror the celebration that will take place once we are reunited with our Heavenly Father. I need to hold tight to the truth that while I don’t have child, I do have a Savior – one who is faithful and loving. When I revel in who God is and all that He has done, I am filled with hope and joy. I have a Savior, deserving of praise and worship through this season and every day.
“In this life I will stand
Though my joy and my pain
Knowing there’s a greater day
There’s a hope that never fails
When Your name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I’m believing for the day”
You hold me now ~ Hillsong
2 comments:
Angela, this blog post brought me to tears because it was not long ago that I was feeling the exact same way..angry and fearful due to the complications we had encountered this past year with trying to grow our family. But, God is faithful and I can't wait to see what His plans are for you and your husband! I will be praying for yall!!!!
God bless you Angela! I keep praying that you will get your prayers answered & a take-home baby!
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